A few days ago I was feeling really, REALLY helpless. I was on the floor of my bathroom, puking. The baby was crying for milk, Matt was gone and I felt like my world was coming to a screeching halt. For a split second, I said “Why are you putting me through this God, what did I do to deserve this hell.” I broke down crying, got myself up, got the baby her bottle and there it was… Silence.
I started to reflect on the past couple of days. I had conquered mom-life all by myself, I did a road trip, took care of Brooklyn (my cat who has an infection), Jersey (my horse who randomly got an abscess), AND cleaned the house, the yard, and caught up on everything I could… and oh yeah… WORKED. On top of that, I was learning and witnessing some things about an environment that is downright unhealthy and sickening. I just stopped moving. I sat there, holding Avery sobbing.
Most of you have been following me for a while, and hell if your even reading this blog post, that’s pretty damn cool. But you know that I love Jesus and God more than anything. I always say God first, Matt second, then the rest. I used to sit down and say grace before every meal, my insta handle was Jesus Lover, and most all of you knew how much my faith helped me conquer my fears. But lately, it seems I have forgotten about the one thing that is most important to me - God.
Now, I will also add I am not someone who is sharing this because all the sudden I decided to be religious, or the idea of being religious starts working for my “image” (EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT HERE… #idiot). I am sharing this with you because I had a profound realization in the midst of insane distress. I thought to myself while looking down at Avery looking up at me crying and said “This. This is why I am going through this.”
Since having Avery, my mentality about basically everything has changed. I am constantly worried about what will effect me - because that will affect her. I have cleansed my life of unhealthy habits and people. I have made some pretty massive adjustments, and even been willing to go on medication to help me be balanced so I can be the best person in the world for her. But something hit me in this particular moment, I need to stay alive. It was overwhelming, like the stress I was putting on my body was killing me. And I want to be alive for HER. Not me. HER. I want to watch her blossom into the beautiful human that she is. I started crying even harder, and I started to just talk to her.
I said, “sweet girl, mommy is so sorry. I am sorry that you have to see me this way. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I love you more than the breath in my lungs. I love you more than the moon, the stars, the feeling of a crisp air day. Mommy has been through things that I never, ever want you to experience, and I will do everything in my power to teach you to be the best you can be. To be strong, and brave, and resilient. I will hold your hand through whatever life throws at you, and I will never ever give up on you. Mommy has given up a lot of her dreams. And I pray that you never do. I am not sad because every fallen dream lead me to one I didn’t even know I had - YOU. I pray that if you decide to do anything like mommy, do it from your heart not your head. ALWAYS start the day with God, and he will guide your way.”
I cried for a while as she fell asleep in my arms. I fell asleep then too. But I woke up the next morning and said “God, thank you for waking me up today so I can be here for Avery. Thank you for breath, the ability to walk, and the ability to see all the beautiful things you have created.
And guys, I kid you not every day since I have been finding such beauty in everything I CRY. I was in my bathroom last night and the moon peaked through the curtains. I said, “God thank you for letting me see the moon shine right now. It is beautiful.” Something has profoundly shifted in me because I am grateful to God to be alive for Avery. I am grateful to love her. I am grateful for Matt (even though last week I pretty much hated his guts for leaving us). I am grateful for my family. I am grateful fo you.
I don’t know what it all means, but I know God needs to be first. And I promise to take care of myself for all the things I am grateful for. I don’t know if someone needs to read this today - but if so, I get you sister/brother. And I love you.