Today I saw something on facebook that completely shook me up and prompted this blog post. A sweet soul reached out to me via messenger and told me how much I mean to them. This person has been viewing Spirit Squad and looks forward to it every week, and that I have helped heal them by my vibe. They mentioned how my eyes “light up” when I talk about Matt and they too hope to find the love I have. I cried reading this message. I am going to be honest with you, I get messages like this all the time. It should make me feel good about myself, that I am doing the right thing, but it actually does the opposite.
I feel an immense responsibility to everyone. I feel pressure to make things better, to help heal, to be there for everyone I can. On an average day, I spend sooo much time responding to messages, reading stories, talking to Spirit and I am moved by everyone. If I could heal the world, I’d want too. But the thing is - I am a mess. A genuine, emotional, passionate disaster. It’s true folks. I look like I have my shit together, but I flat out don’t.
For instance, yesterday was a very, VERY hard day for me. I found out some shitty news (a lot of you know what I am talking about) and then some things here on the home front exploded over someone’s selfish acts. (PS this is not about Matt he is an angel) I have been fighting a battle I am tired of fighting and it’s a silent battle that if you knew what was going on you’d probably be SHOCKED. Anyways, this situation is very triggering for me.
As many of you know my ex was a horrific person to me. Behind closed doors he would tell me the worst things. Things like “I am a horrible person, I didn’t deserve to live, I am no better that gum on the bottom of his shoes.” I was constantly being told I was “too fat”, I had no fashion sense, I can’t do anything for myself. He made me feel like I could do nothing unless he did it. As I am typing this, I recall the time he threw a steak and plate at me because it was cooked medium, not medium rare. Matt (my sweet husband) asks me how I became such a good cook — this is how. Try getting your face smashed with a plate when you mess up.
Anyways, this situation is making me feel trapped. Like I have no choice, no voice. I hate that. Matt and I recently started therapy together (I still do my own therapy once a week), but the therapist jokingly said “please, don’t write about me.” She said this because it was brought up about how public I am and how I post very vulnerable things. Sorry, I am not sorry for that. The reason I do this and share is because it helps people and it helps you get to know the real me. I am not going to post everything’s all gravy when I am really going through some real tough shit.
To add to this, as a member of the personal development community, I too often see a bunch of what I call “toxic positivity”. This to me is when someone throws up a motivational quote pretending everything's good, when it’s not. You’re never going to get that from me. I was silenced to long in my last 10 years - I am going to tell it to you like it is. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. A fucking quote is not going to make everything better folks. Talk your talk. Walk your walk.
And with that being said, I am going to be honest. I am flat out angry right now. I am hurt. I am so over seeing abuse of every kind. When I left my last relationship I put my foot down about what I would tolerate and what I would allow in my life. I am in a very reactive spot right now because there are some things that are just straight out of my control. The nice, helpful, healer you see is reactive and hurt. To be honest, I want to rip this person a new one and out them publicly (but I won’t). This is me - owning my shit. I have work to do on this because I am not coming from a place of love. I am coming from a place of protection and fight or flight. But I have been carrying this way too long. I need a reset, and a break.
I'm sure that someone out there is feeling this way right now and that’s what is prompting me to own my shit. But if nothing else, this is just a post to let you know I am human. I am not perfect. And I hope, I HOPE, that I can help heal and inspire you in some what. But I want all of you to know you do the same for me. You keep my standards high, and my spirit higher. So thank you. I hope all of you feel safe enough to share what you’re really going through. Social media is meant for connection - let’s make it a real one not some positive thinking bullshit. K?
I’m signing off by saying if you’d rather me just post a motivational quote with the hashtag #ivegotthis I can do that too.