I’m going to paint you the inspiration of where this blog post came from, and I am not going to hold ANYTHING back. Authenticity is the only way to go.
The other night, I was sitting there, in a ton of pain. Here’s what you may or may not know about me. On top of being pregnant, I have Hyperemisis. Which basically means I puke all the time. (Just call me Kate Middleton) But because of the old injuries from my past, my ribs rebroke. When you’re pregnant everything gets weaker, and because of the weakness, the constant vomiting, the baby moving up, and Matt manifesting her as the next woman NFL kicker — she took a few to the ribs and here I am. Not a pitty post - just filling you in.
So I am sitting there, crying, had an allergic reaction to shellfish, and someone looks at me and says “be happy.” I wanted to instantly clap back but instead I smiled and said “I am, I am just sick.”
It got me thinking though, why does showing emotions constitute you as “not happy?” This is not the first time I have dealt with the judgement of others for showing up authentically.
Would they rather me sit there and pretend?
See, I did that for too long. With the ex, i had to literally sit there, shut up, say nothing and smile. If I didn’t appear to be happy and positive all hell broke loose. It was the epitome of a “behind closed doors” persona. I was SO incredibly numb, y’all have no idea. I was a walking eggshell of nothing. I didn’t even know how to feel. Even when my ribs broke the first time, I got up the next day, went on a run and cooked breakfast. I lost the ability to feel joy, and with that I lost the ability to feel pain.
Now, I think sometimes I say too much. But in between the numbness and aliveness I learned life is so much better when you just don't give a fuck and show up how you are.
So let me just say, last year was WEIRD dude. Actually let’s start in November, because I want you to have the full picture. I was sick, now it makes sense why, and surrounded by so much fake, phony people. I’ll admit to you this - because of being in the relationship I was in, I was SO EXCITED TO HAVE FRIENDS. But I had so many vampires around me and didn't even know it. I spent a year of pure bliss just going from thing to thing, trying everything I could, but I didn’t realize how it all would eventually catch up to me. So I get sick, and then I get honest. It was like the entire world shook and all the sudden I started to see… everything.
I started to see Matt for everything, and be honest about everything I was feeling. I started to see my friends and my “not friends” for the truth, I started to see an environment I loved so much for what it really was, but most importantly I started to see myself. And I didn’t like everything I saw.
I didn’t think I had the tools. Getting on a trampoline and telling myself “LOVE EVERYONE” and putting up a stupid post about moving forward and letting go was complete and total bullshit to me. I felt like I was becoming more inauthentic as the moments passed. I disliked who I was around and I knew I had to change it. God gifted us with an eye opening, truth serum experience, and I knew after that EVERYTHING HAD TO CHANGE. I cut out the crew-sers. I cut out the vampires. I cut out people that didn't show up in an honest way. And trust me I felt PSYCHO. I felt insane feeling sad all the time and seeing everything for what it was. I wasn’t being dramatic (even though I was called that) I was literally having a super, super messy spiritual breakthrough that I didn’t even know I needed.
And then, something really important happened. I stopped caring. I literally stopped giving a flying F about what I said, how I felt, who was in my life. Because I have been to hell and back and hell again, and I knew I needed a come back.
The woman that is in front of you now is still growing, learning, and breaking through. And it’s messy, and emotional, and tiring. But it’s honest. I have no issues telling Matt exactly how I feel when I feel it. (And trust me, if you knew me before you know I wasn’t allowed to feel anything, or tell anyone so this is big). I have no issues being honest about who I vibe with and who I don’t. I have no issues calling out the truth when something is fundamentally wrong or someone is acting in authentic. Does it hurt, yes of course, but I’ll tell you that too.
And maybe I’m wrong for all this and it will change. But it’s funny because the more I share, the better I feel. The more I speak MY TRUTH (it doesn't have to be yours) the more sane and grounded I feel. And the less fucks I give, the more free I feel.
I already know this blog post will get judged cause I used the word Fuck. Welp, don’t care. I’m classy, and professional when I need to be. And honest here. So :) I’m sure I’m judged for my choices, my career path, hell 90% of you judged me when I got into my relationship now and NO one knew what really happened. But you do now, and look how beautiful it is.
So let’s tie this in a nice bow. EVERYONE is entitled to their opinions - but don’t let their opinions make you chose your life. Your life is just that - YOUR LIFE. Be who you want to be, say what you want to say. I’m serious, it’s liberating. And what I’ve learned, is that who gives a flying F if I cry because I am in excrutiating pain.
Does that make me a less happy person for showing you that? No.
I love my life. I AM HAPPY. But I’m also real, and I will always chose real over numb.
As “The bump” told me today, “Tell anyone who judges you to shove it, and then blame it on your hormones because you can.”